Communication

I thought I would give another element of what I have learned is a good part of finding happiness in relationships and in life... communication.  I won't give a lot of details, but I will discuss it in general terms as to why it is important.

As I reflect back on failed relationships and more, I can see a common element.  In many of them, there was a lack of communication, early, to both describe what I was looking for and to listen to what others was seeking.  Sometimes, you can be tempted to believe things are present, when they are not.  So, you feel confident based not upon experience but upon hope.  Then, when things appeared not to be present for what I sought or I was not what they sought (often because I didn't know they sought it or expected it), you can find yourself far down a path that doesn't lead to where you want to go.  Then, people get frazzled and connections get strained for the lack of something being present that wasn't fully communicated at the start.

So, in recent years, I learned to be more honest about myself and what I wanted and liked and more from the beginning.  This led to many single dates or not even getting to a date, because I would determine they would not work with me or such.  This WASN'T a failure, I should note.  You cannot gather evidence without an experiment.  A failure is a successful test.  It shows it doesn't work.  It reminds me of a story I have told many times.  I was at IBM, and a course was talking about their AI.  The leaders said that the AI learns like humans does by learning from failure.  I laughed... if only humans did that, often.  But, to learn from error, you must have facts, not hopes.

Recently, I have been absolutely in love with something that DID match with what I was communicating, and I matched with what they were seeking.  The funny thing about it was that these things that we both liked were things that we felt that we had to hide or change for others in the past, because to them we were broken or not good enough to what THEY sought.  However, it wasn't the qualities that were bad or broken.  It was the mismatch of qualities and expectations.  In this relationship, we have both been open and clear about everything.  Sometimes, those communications have not been pleasant, but they have always been real.  The open discussion has given us both clear trust in each other... true intimacy of trust.  We were able to care for each other's weakness, instead of judging each other for it and to praise each others successes without feelings of competition or envy.  Our communication helped us be on the same team facing the same challenges and seeking the same goals, respecting each other in our ways of doing it.

I wrote a post years ago about confession being a hidden secret of happiness.  Many times, people feel the need to present themselves as being perfect, and they fear others finding out when they make mistakes.  However, that also presents a false image of pride.  When we open up about our weaknesses, fears, hopes, dreams, and other things that are sensitive and personal to us, we open the most emotional parts of our hearts to others.  You get much more close to someone by saying you are sorry for a failure than justifying a poor choice of action or words.

So, clear communication not only protects you from making poor choices that can disrupt you for years, but it also is key to building the kind of trust that can give you peace and make you absolutely certain of where you stand and what is ahead in any relationship with others.  I have found it to be an important element in my own happy path, and I hope you will find it a key to yours.

Graceful Support

I was thinking I would write two blog posts, today.  But, as I reflect on them, they are connected.  So, I will write from that perspective.

First, I was going to write more about being a support to others.  I feel that my last post on it was incomplete and too narrow.  I was writing about how society feels we should all be focused on ourselves and what we can do for ourselves, and for many such as myself doing things for others is a chief pleasure.  Yes, it can be abused by others that take advantage of it, and not everyone is built that way.  However, we should not be defining what is good for others by what is good for ourselves.  On this transgender day of recognition, that is DEFINITELY a lesson our society could learn.

However, it is not something that is relegated to one family role or a career or more.  For example, I am a support to my love in my relationship, but she is a support to me, as well.  So, it is a QUALITY that is good to be honored and respected.  It is not weakness, but it is a strength of soul to care for others.  Others may not always share it back to you, and you should value those that do, highly.  However, my desire to care for another is not dependent upon what that person does for me.  I do it, because that is how I am built.  I do it, because that is who I desire to be.  I do it, because caring for another is a good thing to do for them, and it is something given from God to do, as well.

And, that leads to my second point... Grace.  For a long time..until recently... I had a wrong perception of Grace.  I felt that Grace consisted of God holding a list of everything that I did wrong and then saying... well, I guess I'll overlook it and love you, anyways.  A lot of denominations say exactly that.  However, that's not Grace.  Grace is when you love someone that you don't stop to count the wrongs.  You just love them.  You just care for them.  You just SUPPORT them... because it's good to do and flows naturally out of your heart.  Imagine if the whole world had just a little of that perspective.

Anyways, no... getting more for yourself is not the best for everyone.  If they don't stop to consider others, I'm not sure it is best for ANYONE.  However, we should definitely allow others to choose a life of grace and support, and we should support and honor them for that choice.

The Role of Darkness in Light

I forget which Catholic show it was that I saw, once, on EWTN that led with it, but a show used to open with a phrase that the light shines the most in darkness.  If there wasn't the dark, the candle wouldn't show up as much as it does... it would just fade into the background.

If you've followed the blog over the years, you will know that over the last year or  so, I began to talk about the value of darkness.  Even as so much of my light is love and joy and light in the current day, I still maintain that view.  Indeed, it was something I talked about over the years at different times.  In a book I wrote on magic years ago, I noted that in order for something to be magical, something else must be plain to have the contrast.

There has been periods of struggle and darkness over the years from one thing or another.  With hindsight, I can see many of them were meant to motivate me in one way or another.  Just one example began in August of 2023.  I was living content in Florida with some conditions that were not always good but were acceptable.  I would have stayed in that condition, left alone.  I was single and not making the amount of money I could and found pockets of joy in nature and a few friends and my child I had in custody periods.  I had spent a LONG time raising that child with much influence in their life and was fixed in them.

Then, in the span of 6 months, EVERYTHING I felt secure in was ripped away.  I was hit with a retina tear that became a retina detachment and would result in two surgeries 6 months apart that would remove me from work.  My best friend at the time mocked me publicly and rejected me.  My ex with mental issues would in paranoia and mania break my custody agreement and deny me my weekends and more... the only reason I didn't go to police was not to put my child through that in their senior year. Then, due to my child being under their influence, my ex turned my child against me.  Left with nothing, I moved near family in Oklahoma, taking a job that .. as it would turn out... wouldn't last long.  However, it relocated me to where I could meet the most amazing person I have ever met in my life and with which we both found our perfect partner for our nature and being.

Yet... none of that amazing find and unfolding life I have in other ways, as well, would have happened if I had not faced that total collapse.  If any of it had remained, I might not have moved to where I needed to be to find her.  Darkness was NECESSARY to find my light.

We can be stupid as rats in a maze to a God that oversees not only the world but time and knows us most intently than we know ourselves.  So, God needs not only the cheese but the obstacles and sometimes maybe even shocks of pain to get us to move to where we need to go.  I hate the idea of the shocks, but I have also been the rat that needed it.  

So, my point in this is just to say, don't always feel that you are far away from God in periods of struggle.  It can be for many reasons, not just to motivate you to move or change.  Sometimes, it may simply be so that when you DO face your magical moments in your life, you recognize and value them with the gratitude for which they are worthy.  I will pray for you in that journey, as well.

In Defense of Supportive Roles

Many times over my life, people would ask what my dream job would be or high accomplishment would be.  Did I want power or riches or more?  I've never had those desires, though.  

I have worked in the military with high ranking people as commander driver in National Guard or 1SG driver in active Army or duty driver for the base.  I've been in corporate boardrooms at IBM, and dealt with top executives at the IRS.  I have an MBA, and I've been in a management role.  I don't see people of status as greater than the poor that work hard to feed their children.  People are people, and I give my best in any job I hold.  Why?  It is my nature and desire to be a good support... whether that was raising my children, to my work, or to my love in my relationship.  Being the best at that IS my high goal.

I do not say others should have my viewpoint.  It is important for some to lead, strive, push the boundaries and achieve their potential.  Sometimes, that potential is to help others reach their potential.  However, even they need the support of another or others to empower them in their drive.  It only makes sense that if God inspires one to rise that God would know to make their relationship partner someone that can help them rise.  So, while society is big on telling everyone to seek their personal goals, we need to recognize and support those whose heart craves being the best aid to others, as well.

So, that's all I want to say with this.  Yes.. ambition is a great virtue and force.  But, a lack of ambition doesn't mean a flawed individual.  Maybe, they're fully functional to be there for someone else.

Worthy of Love

I was sitting in church the other day, thinking of how impressive that it is that Jesus chose to go and die for those that were not showing a loving attitude.  Indeed, many were actively working against him. Given the choice, I don't know how readily I would feel like making the same decision with those that are choosing selfish, manipulative, and hurtful motives.  As I reflected on this in prayer, I felt like God was saying everyone was worthy of love.

Well, that caused a defensive reaction within me, as I reflected on exes and others that had chosen to either intentionally harm me or neglect me.  But, as I reflected on it, more, I realized that loving them doesn't mean that I have to choose to be around them.  I can choose to find those who I can love who also loves me and wish my exes to find love that works for them without choosing that person to be me in that toxic environment.  Like I would wish for them, I am worthy of receiving love, myself.  Indeed, I have already found that person that I can share that safe and mutual love with someone that is a gift from God.  I would hope that everyone can find something so special.

One thing that makes it so special, however, is that our love is secure in non performance.  That has been one of the sweetest things about it, from the very beginning.  We see each other as worthy of love, apart from anything they do or do not do.  So, when we have things to learn from each other, we do so in the understanding that any miscommunications or ways we can adjust to each other that comes to light... or even life stressors and personal challenges... do not affect our security in love for each other.  However, it doesn't mean and isn't seen as permission to ignore the needs of the other.  Instead.. amazingly.. releasing expectations for each other gives us the freedom and peace to enjoy each other and inspires us to WANT to do more for each other, because we love them.. not out of obligation but out of care which is more meaningful.

And, that, I think, is what God is trying to teach me about loving others.  When God looks at humanity, God sees them as God's own making, each person made with hopes for what they can become.  Then, that hope is a fuel for your care.  Whether or not they actually reach that potential, they are still worthy of love for simply BEING.  It is a love fueled by Grace that says, I am choosing not to base my love upon what you do, and when we are receiving such grace fromothers we are empowered to feel others are worthy of love, as well.

It doesn't mean that they are worthy of trust or a commitment or even being in close contact.  You do have to look out for your own boundaries and make choices for your happiness.  But, the choice to LOVE them can be our act of prayer to God, since we know of God's care for them.  And, even if we guard our peace with boundaries and act within those limits, we can pray for them to be healed and find love, themselves.  

You never know if just loving someone without blame will inspire them to love another.  It won't always.  In our society, there are many that will simply take your love and hope and continue to only think about themselves. When that happens, we wish them well and send them on their way on their journey.  However, the same process upon a heart ripe for healing could be life changing and liberate them from years of pain to chart a new course in hope to their own happiness as well.

I know this is challenging, and it is a hard concept to understand and practice.  I have and will probably make mistakes as I try to make it a part of my life, but I am very grateful to have a God that loves me enough without performance to give me the foundation to try.  That foundation lets me be happy, even before I have fully got it, and I think that is a part of why we sing about God's Amazing Grace.

 

Courageously Spring Forward

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  In many ways this year has seemed long, and warmer temperatures are a welcome change.  However, Spring is in many ways a time of courage and determination.

Consider the plants that have battened down the hatches for colder temps.  Many animals in the wild have done it, as well.  They were faced with very harsh conditions, and if they were basing their expectation upon what they were seeing, it would be a very bleak outcome.  However, their very being gave them hope.  Seasons change.  Things improve.  Spring is coming.

There have been many season in my life that has felt like it would last forever.  I spent many years of very harsh conditions in my life, and just one example... my romantic aspirations.. had got to the point where it seemed that it would never work out for me.  I was happy for others, but I couldn't see how it would work out for myself.  Then, facing other challenges in my life in health and finances and more made me feel even more doubtful of a happy outcome.  So, I began to lose hope and think that the best that I could hope to do would be to remove the negative and toxic conditions that surrounded me to at the very least have a stabilizing peace and close by family and friend supports.

Then, things began to improve.  In some areas of my life, it wasn't a sudden rise.  It was more like the see saw rise of win win loss, win win loss... that although indirect did gradually improve by my efforts and events.  Romantically, it has been a fairy tale find of the one that is perfect for my heart and my life.  However, it came after many, many years of finding failures of attempts... failures that were necessary to bring me to this point of happiness.

However, NONE of the improvements would have happened without the courage to try.  Just like the seed stalk that pushes its way up through the cold land to find sun, they had to have hope that a good outcome is possible and to keep trying until it does.

So, I don't know what you are facing in your life.  I don't know all the challenges or disappointments that surround you.  I know you might have faced loss and some parts of your life that once had joy are closing or closed.  I know you might have had disappointments that make you not want to take the chance.  However, I would wager that the good you did have were the result of acts of a courageous heart, as well.  The solution isn't to stop trying, when one attempt fails to produce the desired outcome that would remain.  The lesson is... seasons change.  The cycle resets.  New opportunities lie ahead of you for joy and adventure, and all it requires for you to Spring forth into the new season of your life is the courage to believe in a better day and make the attempt.  I am routing for you in that endeavor.

 

Reflections on a Romantic Journey

 I tend to provide help for others as i understand.. or think I understand.. on my blog so others will not have to learn the things I've learned often from mistakes and more.  While I do not claim to have it all figured out... I learn things daily.. I thought I'd share a few things that I have found true in my life and which I attempt to follow.

1.  I must begin with a precaution, although I'm far past that point in my current relationship.  Do not just try to make a bad match work or pretend something exists that does not.  You will lose years or decades of your life if you do not heed this warning.

2. Love them.  There is a wide gap between a toxic or evil relationship and one that is thriving.  Good enough is not good enough for them... or you.  Be worthy.  Give them what they need.

3.  Understand what they need.  Each relationship like each person is unique.  Take the time to understand how to love them.  What is important to them?  How do they receive love?  They are worth your learning this.

4.  Love is not just in what you do but what you don't.  Oftentimes, it is the quiet.. the space.. the things you actively do NOT do that is most important.

5.  Being a boyfriend or girlfriend is not a stepping stone.  Long after I reach a legal status, my highest goal will STILL be being the best boyfriend I can be to her.  Love has never been about legalities or documents or ceremonies or more.  Yes.. those can be nice, but if it's about that only... it's nothing.  

6.  Romance isn't a race.  In my experience, it is the slowest moments that carry the most value.  Being slowly loved or loving someone slowly is the height of existence.

7.  Join the song.. don't try to be the conductor. When we lead things, it tends to cause problems.  Pay attention to the song God is conducting and be q useful instrument to a beautiful song.

That's enough for now.